


I'm There (Even if I'm Not)

by lunavic01



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s01e01 We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals, Extra-Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven, Gen, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Hurt/Comfort, Number Five wants to go back to his family, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Protective Number Five | The Boy, Protective Vanya Hargreeves, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Suicidal Thoughts, The Umbrella Academy: Season 01, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, even so be careful, nothing really happens, read with caution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27212299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunavic01/pseuds/lunavic01
Summary: After being stuck in the apocalypse for so long, Five questions what's the reason in keep fighting when everybody else is dead.But where he believed it would be his grave, ended up being the place where he found what he needed to continue living.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 10
Kudos: 87





	1. The "Why"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! Welcome to my first "The Umbrella Academy" Fic! This is a partnership between me and my friend Kassy, so thanks for being an amazing writer and helping to bring this idea to life!
> 
> Warnings:  
> * Read the tags. This fic contains explicit idealisations of suicide and suicidal thoughts. READ WITH CAUTION. If this kind of subject may trigger you, do not read it. You've been warned.  
> * English it's not my first language but I try my best. If you find any grammar mistakes, please let me know so I can correct them.  
>   
> Also, we wrote this listening to Deep End by Ruelle and Far Away by Olafur Arnalds, give it a shot if you want, surely it sets the mood for this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was hard to breathe, even with the cloth covering his mouth and nose. The polluted air burned his lungs so much that Five could actually feel dust in his throat. The heat was suffocating, the smell of rotten decomposing flesh hit him like a punch on the guts. Even after months, he couldn’t get used to that putrid odour which just reminded him that this was all that was left of the world: death.

His legs hurt after almost a day of walking no-stop, however, Five couldn’t have the luxury to stop and rest. It had been a few days since the last piece of canned chunk chicken was over a few weeks since the last time he saw any trace of food and his water bottle was also almost gone. His body was gradually surrendering. Weak. Tired. Lost. He had to keep looking, it didn't matter how tired and hungry, thirsty… and  _ God, he was tired. _

It had been months since Five, with his arrogance and childish rebellion, left the comfort of his home, his family. If he hasn't given voice to his stupid pride he would be with them, like he was supposed to. Because he was supposed to be with them, wherever the souls with whom Klaus used to talk to ended up. 

According to the calculations he was doing daily, it had been 91.250 days that he was stuck in that place, but even with his genius mind, it was hard to keep track of time when everything looked the same. Everything at sight was ashes, smoke, ruins and a mixture of dead rotting bodies and bones. If Five was truly honest with himself, he didn’t want to know, because if he did, he would break. Five didn’t want to think or feel, he just wanted to go home, but really go home, not just in his dreams.

In the days when Five passed out from tiredness, he dreamt about them. In his dreams, Five never left. Diego and Klaus would be sitting on the floor arguing as always. Vanya would be practising her violin with Five and Ben watching closely. In his dreams, he was comfortable, fed and happy. And for a moment, it was wonderful to pretend and live in an illusion for a few minutes. But those dreams always ended with Five finding his family dead, pale and cold. Sometimes they would open their eyes and blame Five for not being there with them, for not being able to save them. He would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, panicked, shaking like a leaf in a mixture of the fear and cold.

The memory made a shiver go down his spine.

He was grateful that he had managed to dig and bury his siblings on the rubble of what was once his home. Five still remembered the terrible muscle pain that plagued him on the following days, after all, they were adults then, their bodies weighed more than he had expected. Especially Luther's.

_But it was worth it,_ he concluded.

His family wouldn't be like the hundreds of other forgotten bodies he found on his pilgrimage. He could never allow them to be eaten by worms in the open. His family now rested together under the dirt.

Five’s stomach groaned painfully, taking him away from his thoughts. He doubled over himself, trying to dismiss the pain and the black dots that filled his vision. For a moment, he thought he would pass out, but after several deep breaths, the world wasn’t spinning so much and he was able to focus again.

God, he was  _ so  _ tired. All he wanted to do was lay down somewhere, and rest away. But he knew that that couldn't happen. If he slept in that state, he would probably die.

Five closed his eyes, trying to remain in focus. Food, he just needed to find food. He needed it to find food quickly. 

He kept walking aimlessly, without destination until it was almost sundown, when his knees finally gave up on him. He fell down over the sidewalk, shrinking into himself. The pain, dizziness and thirst finally unbearable.

_ Get up!  _ He demanded to himself.  _ Get up or you’ll die! _

_ Would that be so bad?  _ Five was sure he stopped breathing for a hot second, shocked and scared by his own thoughts.

_ Of course, it would _ ! He replied to himself at the same instant his stomach groaned again. He closed his eyes tightly.

_ Why? Why would that be bad? Why are you fighting so hard to survive? What’s expecting you besides more misery and endless suffering?  _

It was like he was suddenly in a dispute with himself. Two sides of him fighting over: the urge to survive and the suffocating tiredness.

_ Do you really believe there’s a way out of here? That all this will suddenly be over? That you could go back? You’ve already tried. remember? There’s no hope, and you know it. _

Five felt like crying for the first time in years. He couldn’t just give up, could he? It couldn’t be that easy.

_ You shouldn't be even here. You should be decaying, rotting just like your siblings, just like every other human. Why keep attempting fate? Why just not embrace it? _

What if he just stopped wandering aimlessly, stopped looking for supplies, stopped gathering whatever he could to light a bonfire and survive the night? What if he stopped trying to stay alive?

He was so tired and scared and alone. That could be the most sensible decision he had after months. He just needed to do one thing: stop. Stop and wait for his body do the rest, hoping that at some point he would close his eyes and find out if there was anything beyond death. His heartbeat even stronger just to consider the possibility of looking into the eyes of each one of his siblings again, wherever he went.

He was looking into the eyes of death and suddenly she looked very attractive to him. It was his free pass out of hell.

Five gathered all his strength to lift his head. The decision was made and he was going to do it with his head held high, he was going to embrace fate instead of running away from it.

Five looked around and all he saw was destruction. If he was going to die, he didn't want it to be there in the middle of nowhere. He still had a few days (if his calculations were right and they always were) before the lack of food and water threw him into eternal darkness, he hoped he could spend somewhere not so chaotic.

His eyes fell on something and he had to strain to know if what he was seeing was real. There was something hard about being alone, starving and exhausted in a post-apocalyptic world: hallucinations.

In the early days, they were just echoes, like whispers in his ear, a figment of his imagination that wished with all his might to have someone else with him. Five got used to it, ignoring them at first, until he eventually surrendered to insanity and started to respond to the voices in his head.

He knew it was crazy, but it wasn’t like he could keep himself completely sane at the end of the world.

Then, the voices became images. More than once he could swear he saw things like Diego’s knife slicing through the air, but when he turned around, there was nothing. Then he thought he saw a girl with her bangs covering her forehead, but then after blinking a few times, she disappeared.

Mirages of the deadly desert.

He waited for the image to fade away, to disappear because it was impossible to have something still standing in this world. He had come to the conclusion that there was no building left with more than four piles of stones on top of each other a long time ago.

He rubbed his eyes hard and narrowed them further in that direction, what he was seeing didn’t disappear. It was tall and chaotic as the rest of the world, but still standing like a palm tree after a hurricane.

_ Holy shit!  _ It really was a library!

He vaguely remembered seeing it once, which meant that he wasn’t as far from home as he thought he was. Home, as if there were something left to call it home.

Five lifted one leg, then another, feeling his muscles tighten in protest with the effort of standing up. Even with the pain, a smile began to form on his lips. Relief.

If there really was any higher power in the universe, it probably had compassion for him. He silently thanked whatever was out there for guiding him to that place.

He grabbed the trolley boldly and started pulling it toward the building. His feet trailed in the dirt and picked up dust as he got closer, clearer, more real with each step.

Five’s eyes were fixed on the almost unrecognisable facade. The twisted irons held the concrete firmly. There were countless holes in the wall and no windows intact, but it was still the most complete thing he had found in a long, long time.

It seemed to take forever for his aching, callused feet to step on the broken marble steps. He climbed each of the huge steps with a groan of satisfaction as he could see more of what was inside. He stopped at the door, panting, only then noticing that he unconsciously ran to reach the place. His eyes filled with the sight that for many would be devastating, but for him it was like an Oasis in the desert. 

Piles and piles of books and shelves covered the floor. The immense and solid pillars should be the reason for the library to stay still after so long, as they seemed almost untouched. It was a good place. The best one so far. There was so much to see in that little space. Who would tell that even after the destruction of the human race, those books would still be there?

Stopping to think about it, Five thought it was a really pleasant, peaceful way of going. It would be a poetic grave. Books to read until his body stopped working. Until his life drifted off him and his eyes closed forever. A ceiling, albeit deteriorated, to provide his weak and dying body with some comfort and protection.

It was there. There, he would stop fighting.


	2. Don't Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> This is a partnership between me and my friend Kassy, who is currently translating the fic to Portuguese, so if you're interested, you can find it at the Wattpad. 
> 
> * Read the tags. This fic contains explicit idealisations of suicide and suicidal thoughts. READ WITH CAUTION. If this kind of subject may trigger you, do not read it. You've been warned.  
> * English it's not my first language but I try my best. If you find any grammar mistakes, please let me know so I can correct them.
> 
> We wrote this listening to Far Away by Olafur Arnalds.
> 
> I'm so sorry in advance. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The library was a big, comfortable place, but still couldn't protect him from the cold that would come with dawn, so he needed to be quick if he didn't want to wake up with frozen fingers or to die from hypothermia, it was too painful. If anything, Five wanted to go peaceful as possible.

At that point, Five was resigned to avoid thinking about what would happen the next day, what would come after that. He didn't need to submit to those thoughts now, all he needed to do was gather enough paper for a fire and try to sleep.

_And maybe not wake up._

He shook his head as if the thought could be pulled out with that gesture, but he was unsuccessful in shutting up that insistent voice.

He approached the red cart where the few remaining valuables that he had were. His arms shaking with the weight of the pile of books he had gathered on the floor, the hunger was making him weaker and weaker by the hour.

He removed the stones from a space on the floor, and began to stack the books. His stomach growled loudly and he tried hard not to think about the painful void he was feeling, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore the hunger.

When a good amount of books were piled up, he grabbed a lighter he had found in the wreckage of a convenience store. He looked at the little liquid that was left inside him.

“It won't last long”, he realized in a whisper.

 _Neither will you_ , that same sharp voice answered. He glanced deathly at what was left of the mannequin in the cart. Since the day he found her in the wreckage of a store, he had been trying to avoid the fact that he was crazy enough to hear her speak to him. “ _It’s a losing battle.”_

He knew he couldn't ignore her existence and her sarcastic comments forever, but he used to think that if he was crazy enough to talk to a mannequin, that mannequin could have been a little more friendlier and less bitter.

He did as usual and ignored her, grabbing one of the books from the pile and set it on fire before throwing it with the others to watch it burn. The flames gradually rose, the heat reached his exposed knees and Five let out a sigh of relief.

He spent a few seconds looking at the dancing fire, the sun had set and that was the only source of light and heat he could count on for the next few hours.

Five remembered the day he arrived, how disturbing it had been to see the fire everywhere consuming all that was left standing and for a time the flames were synonymous with nightmares. However, now they were what kept him alive.

He took a deep breath, grabbing another book from the pile beside him to throw it in the fire. But before he could launch the book to be swallowed by the flames, Five stopped. Froze. He was sure that for a moment his heart would have stopped if he had not been so determined to make sure that what he was seeing was real.

The whole body shuddered, Five believed he was about to pass out, a more than familiar sensation dominated every inch of him to the bones, his eyes burned when the memories flooded his mind in a flood.

He was hallucinating again.

It could only be nostalgia making him see things again.

It couldn't be. It was not possible.

His vision blurred and it took Five a few seconds to realize he wasn’t dying or passing out. He was crying. Tears fell down his cheeks, making a trail between dust and dirt along with an almost bitter groan that escaped his throat.

It was her.

_Extra Ordinary: My life as Number Seven._

He gasped, his hands were shaking so badly that he had to hold the book with two hands to get a good look at the cover. Five couldn't breathe and he felt his senses scramble as he read her name.

_Vanya Hargreeves._

It was Vanya with the same bangs that he and Ben used to argue about who would be next to trim, even though Five knew that Ben was much better at the task than he was.

It was the same eyes that despite being bright and full of kindness were always dazzled behind a curtain of sadness and loneliness because of Dad. 

He hated the miserable bastard. It was good to know that his body would stink and rot out in the open somewhere. He made Vanya an outcast, covering the girl with a cloak of inferiority.

"Damn the old man for what he did to you," Five whispered, touching the photo, as if he could feel her warm cheek that way.

"A worm eaten by worms, how poetic." the sarcastic voice sounded and Five gave a small smile at the mannequin's comment, before returning to his euphoria.

The Academy uniform, the violin. It was Vanya. His sweet little sister Vanya. The one who sat next to Ben and listened carefully to each of his speeches on the theory of relativity and singularities, despite not understanding a single word.

Who always smiled when he finished and said how amazing it was. He well knew that she hated that physics nonsense and that seeing Five talking about it was like hearing him speak in another unknown language. But even so she was never mean to tell him that, instead, Vanya pretended to like the subject just like him.

Klaus had always had Ben, and they were both inseparable, confidants, best friends. Five had always had Vanya. 

Before all that, Five liked to believe that even if adulthood took them to different paths, they would still call each other in the middle of the night to tell secrets and ask for advice, that they would still meet for coffee and a marshmallows sandwich and peanut butter. 

She was his savity place, like a ray of sunlight escaping in the clouds of a storm. It didn’t matter how bad things were, she always had the power to make it better.

And now in the middle of the chaos, her face was there. It was ironic and even painful to think that even after death she was keeping her promise that she would always be there for him. Vanya always kept her promises.

_Dead._

That little girl in the book was dead. 

He saw it, he buried her body, and doing it so killed something inside him.

_She was dead._

\------

_No. No. No. No._

There was Luther. He knew it was Luther by his blond hair and his Umbrella tattoo, although he seemed much, _much_ bigger than he was when he was a kid.

Near Luther was another corpse. He had short hair and a big scar doing across his hair and down to his cheeks, but it was the sharpened pocket knife that he was holding tight that made Five realize that he was looking at Diego’s corpse. He grabbed the man’s arm, and there it was. The unmistakable Umbrella tattoo. 

Allison was there as well, next to Luther. Five could recognize his sister’s long and curly hair anywhere, but just to be sure, Five also looked at her left arm. There it was. The Umbrella tattoo.

Five felt like he was going to be sick and at the same time it also seemed like he was out of his own body. It felt like he was just a viewer watching another person finding his dead family. None of that could be real. It had to be just a fucked up nightmare that Five would soon wake up from.

He walked around the mansion’s wreckage, a little part of him hoping that the rest of his siblings would be _okay_ , because they had to be. They had to--

Five stopped dead. _Klaus._ He didn’t need to get closer to know it was him. His Umbrella tattoo was visible from where he was. 

Five felt his eyes fill with tears. That was his brother. Right there, looking at Five with empty eyes. That couldn’t be happening. That couldn’t be. 

_It’s just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream._

_Control yourself!_ He heard. rather hastily. _You have to find Ben and Vanya. They’re okay. You’ll see._

Five nodded and took deep breaths until the knot on his throat didn’t hurt as much. But then, when he looked up, his heart stopped again. 

It was broken, but it was clearly a grave.

_en Har r ves_

Five felt weak, like all straight on his body had evaporated. Ben was dead as well, but he died _before_ all this. Somehow that was even worse. 

_Vanya… Vanya had to be okay. Please, she had to be okay._

“Vanya!” He yelled, almost running, looking for any sign of her. He knew of all people, Vanya was the person who was the least likely to survive. She didn’t have a superpower to protect herself. Vanya was normal. Ordinary. Not even his siblings with their power and battle skills had survived. 

But even knowing all that, Five couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help the desperate feeling that was set in his heart. His mind finally understanding what was happening, the situation he was in. “Vanya, where are you?! Vanya!” 

In his frantic search for any sign of her, something caught his eye the moment he was the object.

A White Violin. 

It was the first unbroken thing he saw since arriving in this living hell, even though surrounded by destruction. If Five paid enough attention to it, he would see the true beauty of the instrument, however, next to the violin, another body laid still.

_No._

It was a small skinny woman with a beautiful white suit.

_No. No. No._

She was paler than his siblings. Her eyes closed. Dead.

_Please, no. Not her. Not her._

The Violin didn’t mean anything. This could be anyone that also played the violin. Besides, Five wasn’t even sure that Vanya played the violin in adulthood. It could be just a child’s hobbie. 

_You know what to do._

With trembling steps, he walked towards the woman’s body and kneened besides her. He studied her face for a moment, choosing to ignore the similarities that the woman had with his younger sister.

The thing was, Vanya didn’t have a Umbrella tattoo like the rest of them simply because Raginald was a heartless son of a bitch that didn’t get tired of reminding his sister that she was different. However, Vanya did have a birthmark in her left wrist. A birthmark that had a shape of a star. Ben always said it was because she really was one and the Universe knew it.

Five felt the little bit of breakfast he had that morning threatening to make an appearance, but he held it back.

Tears were already falling from his eyes before he knew it as his shaking hands slowly rolled up the sleeves of her suit.

_Please. Please not her. Not her. Not little Vanya. Please._

Five was sure that it was the worst image he had seen in his short life. All the air escaped from his lungs when he clearly saw the star on her wrist. The world stopped but at the same time it spinned fast. He couldn't breathe or think or make sense of what he was seeing. His brain tried to put the pieces together and tried to convince him that that was her but at the same time, shouted at the Five stating that this could not be Vanya. It was impossible.

Little Vanya couldn't be pale and cold and lifeless. She couldn't. It was just impossible. It was just too cruel, too unfair. She didn’t deserve it,

“Vanya… No, no, no.” He whispered, not even aware that he was speaking. “Vanya, wake up. Vanya come on. Wake up!”

He grabbed her shoulders, her lifeless body and shocked her, first just slightly, just delicately. When he didn't get a response from her, it gradually became stronger, more desperate. “Vanya. Come on! Open your eyes! Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to me! Come on! Come on! VANYA COME BACK! OPEN YOUR EYES. WAKE UP!” 

He yelled, his voice echoed throughout the empty place. But Five didn’t care. All that mattered was that Vanya opened her eyes. She would tell him that everything was okay and he wasn’t alone, because he _really really_ didn’t want to be alone. He wanted Vanya. He wanted to go home. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare. He wanted to feel his sister's warm body. He wanted a hug and he wanted to see her sweet and innocent smile. He wanted to hear her laugh from his silly jokes, that he only made for her. He just wanted her to open her eyes.

“No, no. Vanya… Please. Please. Don’t do it. Don't do it. Come back… Please.” He hunched over her, crying, hugging her cold body, looking at her closed eyes and caressing her pale face. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry. Please, I want to go back.”

He looked at the smoky sky and screamed. “I WANT TO GO BACK. PLEASE. I WON’T DISOBEY ANYMORE. I’LL BE GOOD. PLEASE! JUST… _Please take me back, let me go back…”_

He hugged her once again, wanting everything to disappear, wanting to wake up from that hell. 

She had asked him not to go. He didn’t listen to her.

He just wanted to go back. He wanted to go home. 

“ _I told you so”_ His father's voice echoed in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so so sorry


	3. Invisible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> As usual, This is a partnership between me and my friend Kassy, who is currently translating the fic to Portuguese.
> 
> So, we got caught up by what we want to tell, and as you may have notice, it won't be just 3 chapters anymore.
> 
> Music: Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Killing Me To Love You
> 
> English it's not my first language but I try my best. If you find any grammar mistakes, please let me know so I can correct them.

It was surreal how suddenly the girl’s brown eyes on the cover of the book awoke so many memories in him. Memories that he spent the last few months trying to bury somewhere inside where they couldn't hurt.

All that effort seemed so vain now.

He gazed down his sister’s lonely and sad eyes, loaded with rejection, with segregation. Vanya always had that, but that photo seemed to highlight much more the unhappiness she felt in a way that made his chest hurt.

They were all the same age, had a birthday on the same day, but in a way, Vanya was always his little sister.

Little Seven, who when she scratched her knees as kids, he would put on a band-aid of stars and give a kiss, promising that it would heal soon and she didn't need to cry.

The little girl who watched from afar with anxious eyes when she saw her siblings gathered together in some activity which she was forbidden to participate in. For whom Five would roll his eyes wanting to show how boring it was for him and that later would tell her that he wished he was lucky enough to be deprived of it.

The girl who secretly showed him her teen magazines pointing out each of the teen celebrities of the moment with whom she would give her first kiss if she had the chance, even if Five found all that “girl talk” boring and a little bit disgusting.

His little sister. The girl he had sworn to protect from all harm.

_"She was beautiful"_ The voice reminded him that his tears were being watched. He nodded, unable to answer.

Yeah, she really was. Five always had the secret certainty that his sisters were the most beautiful girls in the whole wide world, it was really impossible to overcome Allison’s and Vanya's beauty, he was proud of that.

Five remembered being furious when he saw boys looking at Allison with mischief and second intentions at parties or other public events Reginald forced them to go. Of course, never in the same way and intensity Luther’s, but he secretly wanted to punch the perverted faces.

Would be like that with Vanya? Very likely. It would take him a long time to approve anyone she decided to relate to, his critical sense very demanding. Hr would never admit that she would get involved with anyone who was not up to her, someone he could be sure would take care of her, love her and protect her the way she deserved.

Five turned the book cover over and again wanted to throw up, even though his stomach was empty.

He was happy for a moment, which scared him. He was happy to be able to see what her adult face looked like, to have an opportunity to see how their lives played out after he was gone. It was like he was there with them, somehow, like he had a conexion with his family, a reminder of what life was like before all that destruction. 

Once again, he found sad, tired and perhaps even fearful eyes, as if the person who took the photo made her nervous. He would later discover that she really _was nervous_ about having the book published.

He looked at the beautiful adult woman with the same lonely eyes as the girl in front. He wondered how she would be living when the picture was taken. Would she have left the mansion? Would she have found love? Married? Had children? A cat? Was she still playing the violin?

_"You know where you can find your answers,"_ The mannequin said, each time louder and clearer to hear. He couldn’t call her “mannequin” forever, could he? 

“What’s your name?” He found himself asking, not without taking his eyes off the book.

_“Dolores.”_

Dolores. He tested the name in his head. It sounded good. He fit perfectly with that scenario.

“Well… Nice to meet you, Dolores.” He said.

She was right.

He had the answers in his hands, but he still had to find enough courage to read. What would happen if he didn't like it? What if he found more abuse from his father? More rejection by the brothers?

He knew that the only other person in the house who saw Vanya had died after his departure, but he was not sure when, and did not know if he was prepared to find out when and how.

He swallowed and turned the book over again to face the title.

Extra Ordinary.

He bit his lip hard. Her father managed to convince her of that after all, despite Five and Ben's efforts to say the opposite.

Five and Six used to sit down to listen to the first notes she took on the violin and he remembered well the headaches and the hurt ears that resulted. When she wasn't looking at them, Five and Ben used to look at each other with painful expressions, but in the next instant, they were smiling like two idiots to encourage their sister.

When she asked them fearfully how she had done, they smiled and Five always said: extraordinary, sis.

It put colour on her cheeks and a smile on her face.

Because that was what the brothers were supposed to do, right? Don't treat her like a ghost-like the others did. They had no biological links, but they were still family and that would be forever.

Until death.

He then felt that tightness build in his chest and knew it would not pass until he read every word written by her.

He opened it with shaking hands and blew out the dust before focusing on the first chapter.

* * *

_“In the twelve-hour of October 1, 1989, I was born. It was an unusual pregnancy since the woman who gave birth wasn’t pregnant at the beginning of the day. I wasn’t the only one. Other 7 children were born by the same circumstances._

_I was adopted by a man named Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric billionaire who raised me and other 6 children, but not by the motives you might think. He didn’t take us in because he believed it was time to become a father, but because of “our” special abilities._

_Does this sound familiar? It should. It’s the story of what you must know as ‘The Umbrella Academy’._

_My name is Vanya Hargreeves. You don’t know me, and there’s a reason. That’s my story as the invisible Number 7._

* * *

“Invisible Number 7”, she said.

Five felt his heart sink with the truth that settled down through his body. Things never got better to her. She really didn’t get to be a part of the family. Always isolated, always left behind, always ordinary.

He couldn’t imagine how much worse things got for her after he was gone, but Reginald did it, didn’t he? He convinced her that she was nothing, always doing everything in his power to remember her of how different she was.

Five could almost see before his eyes the memories of all the times he had seen poor Seven segregated. Every time her father made a point of showing and saying with all words that she didn’t fit there.

* * *

_“Eyes up ahead,” He said, looking through the câmera. “No smiles.”_

_Oh, he could be sure a smile was the last thing Five wanted to do. All he felt was bubbling rage inside his chest. It was_ **_unfair_ ** _, it was_ **_cruel_ ** _, but Dad didn’t care at all about any of that._

_“Dad…” Seven’s timid voice reached Five’s voice and his heart compressed against his chest. “You forgot me.”_

_“I did not.” Reginald’s cold voice replied, not even bothering to look at her._

_No, he hadn't forgotten. He just didn't care, he had no remorse or pity for doing that to her. Five really wanted to understand how someone could be cruel to a creature as sweet as she was. Seven deserved to be protected, loved and cared for. It was absurd to receive the opposite of that._

_Five tried to look at her but in the same moment, Hargreeves yelled at him, demanding him to look ahead. Five considered if it was worthy to pick up a fight with him, but he couldn’t win this time. He pressed his lips in a thin line._

_“Dad.” Seven tried again, but it was like she wasn't there. Like she was invisible. “Dad!”_

_Invisible. Not being seen, or heard, not receiving any spark of attention. Reginald made her a ghost inside the house, making sure she was like that for everyone._

_Except for him and Six._

_Five didn’t turn to look at his little sister, but he could clearly see how her eyes filled with tears, her expression so broken and sad, it made his stomach twist._

_He heard a sob coming from her, and then her hurried steps, running away._

_On instinct, he moved to follow her, but he was stopped by Six, who just looked at him with a sad expression, shaking his head. Five looked back at him, anxiety crawling his whole body, but he knew if he tried anything, it would just get worse, and he didn’t need that right now._

_He could find her as soon as that torture ended, he always did. Vanya was not very creative in her hiding places, or maybe she did it on purpose so that he could find her faster._

_It seemed like whatever Reginald was trying to do, took forever. Some part of Five knew that Dad was testing him, testing his control, his limits. He wouldn’t give the old man the satisfaction of being right. But the thought of his sister crying her eyes out alone twisted his rationality._

_Deep down Five knew that Reginald knew the inclinations of each of them. Even he couldn’t prevent his children from creating sentimental bonds with each other and with the sadistic and disturbing mind he had, his father used that fact to his advantage._

_More than once he tested the children to see how far their loyalty to each other was greater than what they gave him. Six and Five were the weakest when it came to Seven._

_Even so, not even Five with all his natural rebelliousness crossed the line of disrespect._ _Reginald made it very clear that he wouldn’t accept this kind of misbehaviour._

_When finally, finally looked satisfied enough and let them go, it took every fibre of his self-control to not just run around looking after his sister._

_His search was silent and discreet, the last thing he wanted was Reginald on his tail at that moment._

_Ten minutes later, he heard soft sobs coming from a closed nearby. When he opened the door, he found her still crying, her eyes swallowed and red. At the sight of him, she broke even more._

_Five really wanted to get her out of there and take her away. Away from that shitty life, that horrible father, the indifferent brothers. He just wanted to give Seven the life she deserved, and if he hadn't been a mere thirteen-year-old boy, he probably would have._

_Maybe he would someday._

_Seven deserved more than being invisible._

_But even him couldn't change that._ _Not right now._

_Five just sighed and sat down with her, putting her close._

_“It’s okay…” He said, more to himself than anything. “I won’t let him treat you like that ever again.”_

* * *

He was taken back by the pain in his chest. The bitter taste of failure polluting his mouth. 

He failed her, once again the sad reality hit him like a train. If anything, he made things worse to little Vanya. It was his fault she was still invisible after all those years, he had promised her a better life, but he failed her. 

She had asked him to stay, but he didn’t listen. 

Five believed he would never forgive himself for it. And he deserved to live with that truth for as long as he lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review! I would love to hear what you guys think!


	4. Late Night Snacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, so sorry for the long time without updating! Life has been crazy and Kassy's and mine schedules never really meet up!   
> But there you have it! We'll try to update this story faster as we can! 
> 
> English it's not my first language but I try my best. If you find any grammar mistakes, please let me know so I can correct them.
> 
> Chapter's Music: Emoji of a Wave by John Mayer

> _ “It was a day like any other. I woke up earlier than everyone else in the house, got ready and went to the little music room I made for myself. _
> 
> _ I got the violin and started to play when I caught myself thinking: “Maybe I’ll show Five the violin piece I’d been working on for weeks.”, before remembering it has been days since Five walked through our door and didn’t come back. _
> 
> _ Though prone to arrogance and outbursts, even more than the average preteen, Five was my sole confidante in the years before he disappeared. It would be him who I fully trusted to tell my secrets and who I knew he would take them seriously, ordinary as they might have been. In exchange, he trusted me as well. We only had each other at that lonely house.  _
> 
> _ Five was always the one who wouldn't fall for Dad's manipulations, at least not when it came to me. He always treated me like I belonged, consistently made me feel special, unlike my other siblings. _
> 
> _ For years ahead, I would always let the lights on for him, along with his favourite snack. I was scared that he might come back to us, but it would be dark, and that would make him disappear again. _
> 
> _ I wonder how things would have been if Five never left that dinner table when we were younger. I wonder how things could go differently if that painting were never put up in the living room. I wonder what he would say about all this, what would he feel if he could know how things had turned. Sometimes these questions keep me up at night, along with how much I miss him.” _

* * *

His eyes hurt, but he couldn't tell if it was for forcing his sight in the dark, the excessive heat from being so close to the fire or the tears.  Five strongly believed it was because of the tears, either way, it didn't matter, he didn't care about any of that.

The worst pain was in his chest, hammering with the bitter taste of guilt and regret. His conscience screamed at him in what sounded disturbingly like his father’s voice.  _ See where your arrogance has brought you. See what you've done. What happened to her is your fault. _

He swallowed, his mouth dry, the bitter taste of blood and dirt impregnated between his teeth.

He looked at the words again.

"She waited for me." The whisper escaped his lips, barely rising to the sound of fire consuming the paper of the sacrificed books.

_ "Was she your only sister?" _ Dolores' not-so-irritating voice reminded him that he had company, he wasn’t completely alone. Five sniffed and wiped away a tear with his hand.

"The only one that really seemed to be," he said, reading that paragraph repeatedly, as if looking for a hidden message. Somehow, Vanya seemed to be writing it to him, like a distant letter.

_ "Why did you leave?"  _ Dolores asked bluntly. He put the book down immediately, the gears already weak in his head running at full throttle.

He didn't find a concrete answer. _Because even he didn't know._ The motives seemed so silly now.

Everything seemed so meaningless, nothing that seemed to make sense in a westland. Nothing in the world could be worse than living there.

Life as an Umbrella Academy member sucked, for sure . His father being a heartless scrotum, his brothers all damaged, their powers used to promote a great show... Being at the Academy was terrible, yes, but it didn't quite match what the damn end of the world was like.

Back at the Academy he could smell Grace's cookies, the flowers scattered around the house, Allison's overly sweet perfume or Vanya's soft scent, instead of the putrid smell of burning, decaying flesh.

There, he could hear Klaus's tireless chatter, Ben's sensible comments, the scratchy sound of Vanya's violin, a laugh from Diego, irritating songs that Allison listened to, or the documentaries Luther watched.  He even missed Dad’s voice shouting orders, Pogo warnings and lessons , and Grace being as calm and patient as ever. He prefered all that rather than the endless silence, the rustle of the wind hitting what was left and the sound of cockroaches crawling in the rubble.

In the mansion he had four meals a day, all prepared with the best ingredients, always tasty and plentiful, not to mention the donuts they ate as hidden whenever they had the chance. Here, things were different. In the Apocalypse, everything left to eat tasted horrible, old and bitter, and if he could eat one meal a day, he should be grateful.

In his so hated home, he had clean clothes every day, whenever something was torn it was replaced immediately. He always took a long shower at the beginning of the day and a longer one at the end, he felt clean. He would have a comfortable bed and peaceful night of sleep. Unlike now, bathing was a luxury he didn't have, torn and dirty clothes were all he could have to wrap himself up in the cold or escape sunburn. There wasn't a comfortable place to sleep anymore and no dreams were left when he slept.

In the halls of that mansion, Five saw the light filtered through the stained glass windows, he saw the old paintings on the walls and the colours mixing. He saw the smiling faces of his brothers, he saw the colours in the world that was no longer there. He had nothing else to call it beautiful, nothing to please the viewer.

He felt ungrateful.

All those years pointing out every defect, every reason why his life should be considered unfair, blinded him to the things he had and should be grateful for.

His brothers irritated him, but they were his joy too.

Their father used them as "heroes", but also gave them a bed, roof, food and education.

He didn't appreciate any of that until he realized he had lost it forever.

He wouldn’t wish anyone a life with Reginald as a father, but he longed to be able to return to that house.

“Because I was an arrogant and pretentious fool” Five finally replied, “I wanted more than I could achieve and that was my downfall.”

_ "Nobody learns to walk without falling,"  _ Dolores replied. He turned to face her, she stared back at him. Five took a deep breath before looking at the book once again.

“Now it’s kind of too late for that, don’t you think?”

Although he was an asshole to ignore her numerous requests for him not to leave, Vanya waited for him and believed that he would come back. It felt like he was being punched again.

It hurt to imagine his sister sitting next to a plate of his favourite sandwich, on cold nights, cringing and whispering "he'll be back soon", "five more minutes".

He was everything she had, and when he walked away, she was left with nothing.

Just like when the two of them finally approached.

It used to be quiet at night, when everyone, even Reginald, had already entered into the world of dreams - or nightmares - hours ago.

He was quite sure that this was the only time of the day when he was not immersed in anger and stress. His private moment, without shouting, without the irritating voice of the brothers and sister or the yelling of his father, with nothing but the darkness and the sound of the wind making the branches hit the windows.

It was tranquillising, almost therapeutic.

“Jesus!” He heard someone shout. 

He frowned when his snack was interrupted by the soft voice. The light turned on and he knew that his moment of peace and solitude was over. He stared at the figure standing at the door with his usual scowl.

_ Seven. _ It was surprising to realize that she wasn’t voiceless as she seemed to be, it was the first word he heard from her mouth in what... six months?

She was nervous. She was always nervous in the presence of any of the siblings, especially Dad’s. As if they were going to swallow her whole, it could be funny at times, but mostly, he found it pretty irritating.

Seven was always shrinking, always sneaking, always running away from any dialogue. He still wondered why she was suddenly separated from them to the point of becoming strangers under one roof.

She ducked her head and walked over to the refrigerator.  _ Water. _

Five watched her as if studying prey, his head moving to follow her around the kitchen when she went in search of a glass. Her cheeks were already red and her hands were almost shaking from receiving so much attention.

_ Attention.  _ He concluded. That was it. She never got anybody's attention, which is why she seemed so withdrawn. Fragile, small, timid creature.

She looked at him under her bangs, her hair was pinching her eyes, giving Five so much anguish that he wanted to hunt for scissors to trim it himself. The girl's eyes travelled to his hands, firm around the sandwich, and then on to the peanut butter and bag of marshmallows.

“Want one?” he offered.  _ Okay _ , he needed to train a softer tone of voice, because it came out more like a threat than anything. Vanya opened her mouth, like a goldfish. Opened and closed, opened and closed. No sound came out.

When he was almost giving up on the answer, he heard her voice again.

"That must have so much sugar, I don't know how you don't have diabetes," she said, lowering her head with a shy smile. He smiled back.  _ Sarcastic huh? _

“We all need sugar to survive.” He said ignoring the comment and dropping his own sandwich to open two slices of bread, “And I guarantee that the gelatin we eat every Sunday is not enough.”

“Dad says we would waste a lot of time if we had to treat cavities,” Seven said, taking another sip of water.

Five rolled his eyes.

"Our dear old dad says a lot of things. He’s just too bitter to allow us to have a little bit of joy," he said, placing a generous amount of peanut butter on the bread.

Seven leaned on the table and stared at the sandwich considering whether or not to risk having a stomachache, cavities or insomnia to please her brother.

If she accepted, she would earn a lot of points with him and would already surpass all the siblings on the favouritism list. After all, none of the others had the courage to taste it, Diego came close, but gave up before biting.

If she accepted, she would earn a lot of points with him and would already surpass all the siblings on the favouritism list. After all, none of the others had the courage to taste it,  Number Two came close, but gave up before biting.

He couldn't help raising an incredulous eyebrow when the girl grabbed the sandwich and took to her mouth without hesitation or any pause to look at it. She just took a big bite out.

Five waited for her to chew a few times with the face of someone who was still deciding whether she liked it or not. She swallowed still thoughtfully and then smiled and nodded before taking another bite, big as before.

“Do you like it?” He asked, still not believing it. She held her hand up, asked him to wait.

“It's really,  _ really  _ sweet,” she said as soon as she swallowed “But it's good.”

Five smiled wickedly. He felt as if he had just found his evil apprentice, a pupil for the art of disturbing the inhabitants of the house.

He pointed to the vacant chair in front of him and Seven didn't think twice before sitting down. The blush on her cheeks was gone, she looked calmer.

"You're the first one to eat this garbage," he said, returning to his sandwich.

"I thought everyone was tough ones here," she replied. He snorted.

"They're a bunch of cowards," he said.

They stayed in comfortable silence for a brief moment before Seven spoke again.

“Why do you come here at dawn to eat this?” She asked before biting another piece.

“I don't come for the sandwich, I come for the silence, to be alone” Five said “For peace.”

Seven got tense up, again, her shyness showing up as she seemed ready to leave, luckily he noticed it in time.

“I don't mind having you here,” He said  “I’m starting to like you.”

Seven visibly relaxed, a smile shy forming on her lips and then she frowned.

“Don't you like them?”

“Yes, but they also irritate me,” Five said, rolling his eyes. “It’s good to escape a little from them now and then.”

Seven seemed to consider his words for a moment like she couldn't quite understand what he was saying.

"You should be grateful to be with them all the time and not alone," she said, after a moment. That twinge of sadness was present in her voice once again, although she tried to say it casually. But Five wasn’t tricked easily, he just wanted to know where that came from.

“Why do you always run away from us?” He asked, curious.

Seven looked at him with those forever melancholy eyes. She was silent for long seconds and then took a deep breath.

“I don't run away” She shrugged “Dad... he just says I should know my place.”

Five frowned.  _ Know her place? _

It was no secret Reginald was a troubled nut, that nothing about him made much sense and that the way he raised his children was quite controversial. But even though he knew the old man, Five couldn't imagine what "Seven's" place could be but with them.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

She swallowed.

“I am different from you,” Seven said, as if embarrassed in admitting a horrendous flaw, “I am ordinary, so I must not take the attention away from you. He says I would only get in the way.”

Five didn't think there was any way to hate his father anymore, but at that moment he found that,yes there was much more room for hate. He kept Seven trapped in an inferiority bubble.

She didn't act that taciturn and shy way of her own free will, Reginald had turned her into a ghost. She couldn’t be seen or heard, condemned to be alone even when surrounded by people.

"I need to get back to bed," she said, clapping her hands to get rid of the crumbs. He blinked a few times to come to himself. She smiled and stood up “Thank you for the sandwich… And the company.”

When she turned away, Five felt some part of himself stir.  _ It was his sister _ . And it was his duty to look after her, it was what being a brother meant. Dad didn't care, none of the other siblings did. But he was there. 

Seven was his family as well. He would take care of her, he would listen to her since no one was willing to do it.

“Tomorrow. Same time.” He said, very technical and indifferent. She turned and looked at him a little confused. “I'll get your sandwich ready, and the light on so you don't die of a heart attack like you almost did today.”

She laughed. It was different. It was good to see the joy on her face for a change.

“What if I get here first?” She asked. He shrugged and smiled.

“Then you turn on the light and make the sandwiches.” He said, “And wait for me.”

Seven smile grew a little wider before disappearing completely like she just thought something scary.

“What if you don't show up?” She insisted. He even felt a lump in his throat with her visible despair. She thought that he was messing with her, so that he was not just playing.

"I'm going to show up," he said.

“Promise?” She asked seriously.

He smiled.

“Promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter will probably be up on next Sunday!  
> It's funny because as we were writing this chapter, another fic idea popped out, so you guys can expect more The Umbrella Academy / Five content here.  
> Comment! Please, we would love to hear what's your thoughts!


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